This past year has been such a mixed bag of emotions for me. The loss of you has been so difficult to reconcile in my mind that for much of the time I have avoided thinking too deeply about it. It feels like a great, yawning black hole of sadness that if I looked too long I would fall in and shatter and never find all the pieces of me again. Someday I will have the strength to put pen to paper and set this pain free, but for now I will hold it prisoner until it beats down the door and finds its own way out. I don’t have the strength to face it. 

I hope you know how much you are loved. I hope this final birthday gift will at long last bring you the peace you always sought and so deserve.

Tomorrow, on what would have been your 38th birthday, the beautiful girl that you created, for whom you changed your life, fought, and won… the girl you raised to be thoughtful and kind – just as you were – the girl you taught to skip and jump rope and read. The girl who learned from your example and whose positive traits are all you, you, you… tomorrow she will be mine. Ours. An unexpected gift we will cherish forever.

I pray that you will be there with us.

There are so many things I couldn’t do. So many ways I believe I failed you. So many ways I could have been “more”, but in this one way, I can be a conduit for all the best parts of you. 

I promise to honor your memory and tell her about everything you did for her when you were here. 

I promise to give her the best life we possibly can, filled with love and patience and kindness. 

I promise to give her a soft place to land when life is hard, and the strength to stand and face those days with grace. 

I promise to be a light in the darkness.

I promise to take her hand and show her how to move forward in Faith.

I promise we will love her as our own for as long as we live.

I promise to make sure the best parts of you live on in her.

Tomorrow, on your birthday, the greatest gift you ever received will be ours, and we will handle her with care. 

Tomorrow isn’t the end of your time as her Dad, it is the day we will take the reins and raise her in your honor and give her a life full of the love you gave her first. She will be ours. All of ours. 

Thank you for entrusting us with her.

I hope we make you proud.